everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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