they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
