But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
