I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
