saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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