Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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