The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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