I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
