You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
