so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
