I could have mohawked her pubes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
