I cockslap morals
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
