I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
