Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
why do cheetos always look like penises
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
