I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
