Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
