Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
