so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
