Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
