Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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