Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
