I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
