I can text with my tongue
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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