I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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