I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
