I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
