Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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