that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
