I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
