suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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