well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
