I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
