Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
