I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
