the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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