So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's rum buckets o'clock
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
