You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
