If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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