new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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