Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
