I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Who died my cat blue again?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
