started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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