I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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