he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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