fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
