My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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