It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
