The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
