I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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