Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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