i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
