im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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