apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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