dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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