My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
